WARNING. SKIP ME.

I really want to call my mom and talk this out with her, but being the dumb ass I am, I dropped my phone in water so its sitting in a bucket of rice. This came at possibly the worst time. I made a few bad decisions, some on accident and some without thinking hard enough, and ended up over drafting my bank account several times. Today I found out that the anesthesia for my wisdom teeth removal, which my dentist says is medically necessary, will not be covered in any part by my medical insurance. My dental insurance is covering 1500 dollars of the procedure, which will leave me with 400 to pay out of pocket, and I don't think that even includes the anesthesia. They're letting me pay just $100 of the $400 they usually require on the day of the surgery. I don't even want to begin to think about how much its going to cost me if the anesthesia isn't included in that. Luckily, I have paid time off for the few days after the procedure, so the time off won't take a huge dent out of my pocket. I just feel like such a huge irresponsible mess right now. Its like, I'm 24... when am I gonna get my shit together.

On top of all of that, I'm still super hung up on a dumb boy who straight up told me that he wouldn't date me because I'm not good enough for him. What were his only two reasons? I'm too messy and I'm 24 and have no money in savings. DINGDINGDING. Guess he was right, I am a complete failure in that area. I don't know why its bothering me so much though. Even with Joe, I didn't have this big of a problem getting over him. I cried for a week, bummed around for another week, and then moved on. Maybe because with Joe I hashed it out with him. Got out EVERYTHING I needed to say. and then stopped talking to him, until recently . Now, I'm still talking to this kid on a weekly basis. I have no clue why either. Its like, we weren't friends before we started talking and being flirty. Hes pretty much expressed no interest in hanging out with me, and the one time I called him out on that he chalked it up to us both being busy. Its just bullshit though. It went from us being on the verge of something... to a major life change for him resulting in him saying he wanted to stay close but needed time to put his life back in order before he started anything, to me not being good enough for him, to him changing his facebook to "looking for a relationship" (oh my god I'm 14 for even bringing that up, but really?!) That alone should be enough for me to hate him, right? I mean, I get it... for whatever reason you don't want to date me, so you call out two petty reasons, and then cop out by saying you still really want to be friends. And then, at one point tell me that I "can still adore" you? Fuck that! Seriously! Why can't I just get my mind off of him! I'm the epitome of stupid girl right now, and waste so many thoughts on "maybe" and "what if" I need to block my feelings off. This is just ridiculous.

I've been having some really dumb thoughts lately. Like, maybe if I wouldn't have been so afraid to talk to him... about "us" then things would be different right now. Of course, I know this isn't true. There was no us, and there never would have been.

I just don't understand why I can't stop thinking about it. Its on my mind so frequently, and i feel ridiculous for it. I shouldn't be this upset, theres no reason for it at all. I just want the time to go by and to forget.

June 22nd, 2009

"This kid is seriously amazing. He's so talented, both with music and photography, and he has so much drive and ambition. He's very passionate about things in life, and gets excited in the geekiest way. I feel so comfortable with him, there's no awkwardness at all, and he does so many things to make me feel amazing! He has a great familiy connection, its so similar to how close my family is. He's a great cuddler...and kisser. And seriously, I think I spent more time talking to him over a phone then I did talking to my bf in the past week...maybe 2. I'm so completely selfish, on so many levels."

Nearly a year ago, i made that private post about a kid who i thought i really liked. I'd known this kid for a long time, but we were never particularly close... just kind of saw each other here and there. And then we started talking a lot more frequently. I had a boyfriend at the time, but there was something about this kid that drew me in, and at times made me forget... or maybe not care. Towards the middle of my relationship with a boy who i knew I had no future with, this kid kissed me. I let him. It was nothing. A few months later, I drunkenly threw myself at him. A few days later we hooked up... we didn't have sex, but we might as well have. I made that post around that time. It messed with my head. I wanted him. I was confused, because unlike a lot of people my age... physical contact of that kind meant something to me. We briefly discussed what happened, but it was chalked up to just an in the moment thing... meaning nothing. To one of us at least. Over the next few months we talked from time to time, but that as it.

Cut to a few months ago. I no longer had a boyfriend, and this kid resurfaced in my life. I shouldn't have let anything happen. But being the dumb, naive girl that i am, i did. For a few months, we hung out on a frequent basis. He would say the cutest things, and for a while there i was stupid enough to think that something may come out of our late nights spring fling.

"I hope to god I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
Oh-how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
especially when it comes to you"

-The Spill Canvas "Himerus and Eros"

Then one night, before he left my apartment we had a conversation... perhaps a farewell to the physical relationship that we had.

"isn't it funny, how we just started sleeping together and have never really talked about it. i really hope you don't end up hating me or something because of this. what can i do so you won't hate me. even if you do, im still gonna come hang out, ill make you let me in... knocking on your door until you do"

Maybe that was the point that it clicked, that things weren't going to end up how i day dreamed them to be. Maybe I started acting distant or awkward, because i knew this. Maybe that was when things changed. Maybe, Maybe not.

Its been a few weeks now, we barely talk anymore. Trying to understand this has been hard, because I've never been one to deal with things, especially when it involves confronting my thoughts... or worse, other people. For a while I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that i didn't care that I'd become the girl who is good enough to fuck... but not good enough to give himself to. I was sure that I could use him, just as well as he was using me. Now, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I don't care. That I'm over him. I'll say things, like "its okay. why would i want someone who doesn't want me. hes a good friend, and im happy that hes still in my life, even if its not the way i had wanted him to be"

but the truth is, every time i see him its going to sting. every time i read about all of the "pretty girls" that hes hanging out with, im going to feel like the most disgusting person in this universe. and that i feel more broken heart-ed over "losing" someone, who was never really mine to begin with.

I think its time to let go. I deserve that. It is just going to take a lot of time, and a lot of tears.

I'm such an idiot.